Episode 2 Jack Black Transcript

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Cold open

Template:Scriptleft |	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Template:Scriptleft | Scooter	Jack Black. Jack Black? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Black!
Template:Scriptleft | Jack	It's great to be here. Even these guys likes me
Template:Scriptleft |	Behemoth, Afghan Hound and Droop are preparing him for the show.
Template:Scriptleft | Behemoth	You sure got nice teeth, Jack Black.
Template:Scriptleft | Afghan Hound	Yeah.

Theme

Template:Scriptleft |	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Jack Black! Yaaay!
Template:Scriptleft |	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Template:Scriptleft | Chorus girls	It's time to play the music, It's time to light the lights, It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight!
Template:Scriptleft | Male chorus	It's time to put on makeup, It's time to dress up right, It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!
Template:Scriptleft | Waldorf	Why do we always come here?
Template:Scriptleft | Statler	I guess we'll never know.
Template:Scriptleft | Waldorf	It's like some kind of torture
Template:Scriptleft | Waldorf and Statler	To have to watch the show!
Template:Scriptleft |	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Template:Scriptleft | Fozzie	Thank you, thank you, and thank you. Boy, did I go to a bad seafood place last night. The catch of the day was salmonella. Wocka wocka!
Template:Scriptleft |	The curtain closes.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	To introduce our guest star, That's what I'm here to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you — Mr. Jack Black
Template:Scriptleft |	Jack is surrounded by Pops, Old Tom, Gramps, Bunny, and The Barbershop Cactus Quartet.
Template:Scriptleft | Boys and Girls	And now let's get things started!
Template:Scriptleft | Hobo Joe	Why don't you get things started?
Template:Scriptleft | Statler	I always dreamed we'd be back here.
Template:Scriptleft | Waldrof	Dreams? Those were nightmares!
Template:Scriptleft |	"They chuckle."
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	It's time to get things started
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit and the Muppets	On the most sensational, inspirational, Celebrational, Muppetational...This is what we call "The Muppet Show!"
Template:Scriptleft |	Gonzo's trumpet making the Tarzan yell.

Opening number

Template:Scriptleft |	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Hi ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we hope you're as glad to see us as we are to see us, among other people. Uh, uh, anyhow, tonight we got a real treat for you because our very special guest stars are that world famous, Jack Black. Uh, uh, but first the Great Gonzo will perform being shout out of a cannon? Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!
Template:Scriptleft |	Kermit leads out as the curtains open to a fanfare. Gonzo inside a cannon. Crazy Harry assisted him while carried a plunger box.
Template:Scriptleft | Gonzo	Eh...good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I The Great Gonzo with a help of my assisted Crazy Harry. I will be shooting myself out of a cannon. I'll probably be blowing myself up?
Template:Scriptleft | Crazy Harry	Did somebody say "blowing up"?
Template:Scriptleft | Gonzo	No!
Template:Scriptleft | BOOM!	Harry's explosion causing Gonzo be blow out from the cannon, into the air and exit out the theatre.
Template:Scriptleft | Waldorf	(laughing) Hey, Gonzo should quit while he's ahead.
Template:Scriptleft | Statler	Huh, Gonzo should quit while he's alive.
Template:Scriptleft |	They chuckle.

Backstage

Template:Scriptleft |	Crazy Harry go backstage.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Oh, good grief.
Template:Scriptleft | Walter	(entering) Kermit? Kermit! Kermit!
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Yeah, Walter?
Template:Scriptleft | Walter	Say, listen, can I do a song on the show tonight?
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Why?
Template:Scriptleft | Walter	(pulls him the wings) Uh, Kermit, could I talk to you for a second? See, my brother Gary and Mary is in the audience.
Template:Scriptleft | Fozzie	Gary and Mary waves from the audience.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Gee that wonderful.
Template:Scriptleft | Walter	Yeah, but I'm still nervous.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	There nothing to be nervous about.
Template:Scriptleft | Walter	Really?
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Oh sure. It's just your one shot to go on live TV before millions of people to prove you have what it takes to become one of the Muppets.
Template:Scriptleft |	Walter runs out, panicking.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	What it something I say?

"School of Rock"

Template:Scriptleft |	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jack Black! YAAAAYY!
Template:Scriptleft |	Jack performs "School of Rock" with the Electric Mayhem.
Template:Scriptleft |	Applause.

Backstage

Template:Scriptleft |	Downstairs stage room door, Walter is sitting on trunk and feelings sad.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	(entering) What are you doing down here?
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	You shouldn't be down here.
Template:Scriptleft | Walter	Kermit, you know, you've been so nice to me, but I have to face the facts.
Template:Scriptleft | Walter	What if people laugh at me?
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Look, Walter, you're my friend, and Gary always gonna love you, but you belong here, with us guys. Hey, listen, Walter, you're the one who brought the Muppets back together again. You always believe in other people, but that's easy. Sooner or later, you gotta believe in yourself, too, because that's what growing up is. It's becoming who you want to be. You have to try. Please, Walter. You're my hero.
Template:Scriptleft | Walter	I can't. I... I'd rather stay here.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Walter the only person you're going to meet down here are rats.
Template:Scriptleft |	Rizzo and the other rats pass them.
Template:Scriptleft | Rizzo	Do you mind?
Template:Scriptleft | Yolanda	Yeah!

"Mahna Mahna"

Template:Scriptleft |	Mahna Mahna and the Snowths perform the classic variety show number, "Mahna Mahna."
Template:Scriptleft |	As the song draws to a close, Mahna Mahna dances his way backstage and out of the Muppet Theater. Soon after he has disappeared, the phone rings.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Hello? OK. Just a second.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	It's for you.
Template:Scriptleft | Mahna Mahna	(on other end) Mahna mana!
Template:Scriptleft |	Applause.

Talk spot

Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Hey, Jack, I really thank you for coming on this show tonight and so do all the Muppets.
Template:Scriptleft | Jack	Well, thank you, Kermit.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Hey, can I ask you a question?
Template:Scriptleft | Jack	Of course.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	In Nacho Libre, Well, how do all the stunts?
Template:Scriptleft | Jack	Well, Kermit, it takes tremendous concentration, years of physical and emotional training and enormous mental exertion. Do you understand?
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Un, no.
Template:Scriptleft | Jack	Ok well I show you then.
Template:Scriptleft |	He grab Kermit's arm, places them under Kermit's armpit, and hold at Kermit's neck.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	What are you doing?
Template:Scriptleft | Jack	This is the classic full nelson.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	I see.
Template:Scriptleft | Jack	And the most important of wrestling is the take down.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	The take down?
Template:Scriptleft |	Jack let go Kermit's arm, exits to creates some space, then runs out and jumps through the air lands on Kermit. Jack rise up.
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy	(entering) What did you do to my frog?
Template:Scriptleft | Jack	Well I?
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy	I'll show you. Hiyah!
Template:Scriptleft |	Piggy karate-chops Jack Black, who falls over backwards.

Pigs in Space

Template:Scriptleft | Announcer	And now, another controversial episode of PIGS… IN… SPACE! Starring the voracious Captain Link Hogthrob … the gluttonous First Mate Miss Piggy … and the assyrians Dr. Julius Strangepork. Tonight's episode Guess Who's Coming To Dinner. Due the sudden illness of its the voracious Captain Link. The entire crew of Swinetrek is in distress.
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork	What are you doing you vile creature?
Template:Scriptleft | Squid	None of you business! By! [exits.]
Template:Scriptleft | Link	DOCTOR!
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork	Oh Linky your a life.
Template:Scriptleft | Link	Oh I feel terrible!
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy	Oh stop being such a baby so you out with someone hate some bad eggs then a multi-armed weirdo glue itself to your face for a few hours I had worse days!
Template:Scriptleft | Link	Yeah like you didn't want to.
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy	I was stranded on an asteroid with only one air supply we had to buddy breed!
Template:Scriptleft | Link	You have your lips all over my face you hussy!
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy	I didn't hear you complaining!
Template:Scriptleft | Link	Well how can I complain you wouldn't share the oxygen!
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork	Peek out of you two!
Template:Scriptleft | Link	Oh I don't feel so good my stomach feels like it's going to explode.
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork	That a bad sign.
Template:Scriptleft | Link	Oh my stomach looks like it's going to explode. [Link's chest start moving.]
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork	And that's a worst sigh.
Template:Scriptleft | Link	Oh you known I always wanted rippling abs but this is ridiculous.
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy	Should I get an umbrella?
Template:Scriptleft |	Pepe the King Prawn bursts out from Link's chest.
Template:Scriptleft | Link	Well that new.
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe	Aye-yai-yai that was disgusting alright. I don't know who you are buddy. But your stomach is a dump. Huh you eat like a pig... (look toward Link) Oh you are a pig.
Template:Scriptleft | Link	What are doing my stomach?
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe	Aye I have no idea I looked ovary and ovary and there is no room.
Template:Scriptleft |	They all chuckle.
Template:Scriptleft | Link	Well who are you?
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe	Oh I'm a alien baby that was born in your tummy alright.
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy	Should I throw a shower are a boy or a girl?
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe	Eh I'm flexible.
Template:Scriptleft | Link	An alien a trying to sneak aboard our ship unnoticed that takes guts.
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe	I know I'm waiting there.
Template:Scriptleft |	They all chuckle.
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork	Okay listen up b do you have the appropriate documentation?
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe	Eh what documentaries I'm a baby give me kisses.
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork	According to the rules of intergalactic immigration this little fella is now a foreign member of our crew with all the benefit and duties.
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe	He say duty.
Template:Scriptleft | Link	I'm a daddy welcome aboard son.
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy	Hello jr.
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork	Now is a full member of the crew you will be expected to pay monthly dues for Expendables and laundry.
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe	Wha... but I don't have any monies
Template:Scriptleft |	They starting exclaims to Pepe for the way get money .
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe	I want to go back into the disgusting tummy.
Template:Scriptleft | Announcer	Tune in again next time when you hear the alien baby say.
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe	Oh by a way I found your car key.
Template:Scriptleft | Link	Oh good.
Template:Scriptleft | Announcer	On the next gory gut-busting episode of PIGS… IN… SPACE!

UK Spot

Template:Scriptleft |	File:LonelyAtTop1.jpg
Template:Scriptleft |	Quongo the gorilla hangs from the Empire State Building, singing "It's Lonely at the Top" The little people inside the building join him.
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo	I've been around the world, Had my pick of any girl. You'd think I'd be happy, but I'm not.
Template:Scriptleft | Little people	Doot doo-doo, doo doo doo doo.
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo	Ev'rybody knows my name.
Template:Scriptleft | Little people	Who's that? (I dunno, J. Fred Muggs?)
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo	But it's just a crazy game.
Template:Scriptleft | Little people	What's goin' on up there?
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo	Oh, it's lonely at the top.
Template:Scriptleft | Little people	Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo. Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo.
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo	Listen to the band, they're playing just for me.
Template:Scriptleft |	The little people play a brass solo on their tiny horns.
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo	Listen to the people, praying just for me.
Template:Scriptleft | Little people	(groaning) Ohh! Please get that monkey off my roof.
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo	All the applause, all the parades, And all the money I have made…
Template:Scriptleft | Little people	Can you spare a dime?
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo	Oh, it's lonely at the top.
Template:Scriptleft | Little people	Doot doo-doo, doo doo doo doo.
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo	Listen, all you fools out there —
Template:Scriptleft | Little people	Oh yeah? What?
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo	Go on and love me! I don't care!
Template:Scriptleft | Little people	(groaning)
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo	Oh, it's lonely at the top.
Template:Scriptleft | Little people	Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo.
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo	Oh, it's lonely at the to—AAAAAAHHHH… (falls over)
Template:Scriptleft |	Applause.

"The Whistling Caruso"

Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Oh, Walter!
Template:Scriptleft | Walter	Yeah.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Last chance Walter are you ready?
Template:Scriptleft | Walter	Yes I want to it.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Oh good. [Kermit eventually walks onstage.]
Template:Scriptleft |	Kermit enters onstage.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	And now folks, I am proud to present a brand-new act to the show. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing Walter!
Template:Scriptleft |	Walter performs "The Whistling Caruso"

Veterinarian's Hospitals

Template:Scriptleft | Announcer	And now, it time once again for, "Veterinarian's Hospital", the continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Well, it — it's been such a great show, that we can hardly bring ourselves to end it. And we all know who we have to thank for that.
Template:Scriptleft |	"Treisa Gary lies on the operating table."
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf	Me! [immediately pops up]
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa	Oh my god!
Template:Scriptleft |	Rowlf tapping on Treisa.
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa	What you doing?
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf	Oh don't worry I won't bite unless you come at me with a rolled-up newspaper.
Template:Scriptleft |	Janice walks onstage with a mallet.
Template:Scriptleft | Janice	Just here to check your reflexes
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa	Oh no not with that thing.
Template:Scriptleft | Janice	Reflexes seem fine.
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf	Hey nurse that's not the right instruments.
Template:Scriptleft | Janice	Well what is the right instruments?
Template:Scriptleft |	He displays a tambourine in the other hand.
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf	This is the right instruments.
Template:Scriptleft |	Rowlf play the tambourine and Janice dance along.
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa	What happen someone help I need help!
Template:Scriptleft |	Miss Piggy walks onstage.
Template:Scriptleft | Miss Piggy	I'm sorry I'm late, Dr. Bob. I was with a patient who need mouth to mouth.
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf	Yeah go figure.
Template:Scriptleft |	He and Janice laugh.
Template:Scriptleft | Miss Piggy	(annoyed) Dr. Bob…
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf	Oh, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Template:Scriptleft | Miss Piggy	Where did we get this patient from?
Template:Scriptleft | Janice	Oh, well, she was under heavy sedation. A fifty-pound box of sleeping pills fell on his head.
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa	It did not!
Template:Scriptleft | Janice	I know, but it's my only joke.
Template:Scriptleft |	They all laugh.
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa	Ah! That joke's like 50 years old!
Template:Scriptleft |	Miss Piggy, Rowlf & Janice (groan)
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf	Cue the announcer!
Template:Scriptleft | Announcer	And so we come to the end of another "Veterinarian's Hospital." Tune in again next time when you hear Treisa say.
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa	Let me outta here! I wanna get outta here!
Template:Scriptleft | Miss Piggy	Dr. Bob, I think the patient is delusional.
Template:Scriptleft | Janice	Delusional she look real to me.
Template:Scriptleft |	They all laugh.

"On the Road Again"

Template:Scriptleft |	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Once again, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jack Black! YAAAAYY!
Template:Scriptleft |	Jack performs "On the Road Again" with Walter (including Pops, Old Tom, Gramps, Bunny, and The Barbershop Cactus Quartet)

Goodnights

Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Well, that take to the end for another Muppet Show. But, before we go, let us bring out to our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jack Black, yaaaay!
Template:Scriptleft |	Applause.
Template:Scriptleft | Jack	Thank you Kermit. I have really enjoyed being here.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Oh, thank you.
Template:Scriptleft | Walter	Yeah.
Template:Scriptleft | Jack	Hey Watler —
Template:Scriptleft | Walter	Hmm?
Template:Scriptleft | Jack	— did your brother and Mary enjoy the show?
Template:Scriptleft | Walter	Oh, I don't know. I haven't even had time to ask them.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Oh, listen, Walter, why don't you ask them?
Template:Scriptleft | Walter	Okay. Ahem. Uh, hey, Gary! How'd you and Mary like the show?
Template:Scriptleft | Gary and Mary	"(snores)"
Template:Scriptleft | Walter	(facepalms) Oh! Gary, how could you? Oh!
Template:Scriptleft |	Jack Black gets carried offstage by Hobo Joe and the Hobos.
Template:Scriptleft | Hobo	All hail the Hobo King
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit	Oh, no. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
Template:Scriptleft |	The credits roll and the theme song plays.
Template:Scriptleft | Statler	That was the greatest show ever!
Template:Scriptleft | Waldrof	Hey, it was old.
Template:Scriptleft |	Both laugh.