AlexR Wikia


Cold open

Template:Scriptleft | The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Template:Scriptleft | Scooter Jack Black. Jack Black? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Black!
Template:Scriptleft | Jack It's great to be here. Even these guys likes me
Template:Scriptleft | Behemoth, Afghan Hound and Droop are preparing him for the show.
Template:Scriptleft | Behemoth You sure got nice teeth, Jack Black.
Template:Scriptleft | Afghan Hound Yeah.


Template:Scriptleft | Kermit appears in the show's O.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Jack Black! Yaaay!
Template:Scriptleft | The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Template:Scriptleft | Chorus girls It's time to play the music, It's time to light the lights, It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight!
Template:Scriptleft | Male chorus It's time to put on makeup, It's time to dress up right, It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!
Template:Scriptleft | Waldorf Why do we always come here?
Template:Scriptleft | Statler I guess we'll never know.
Template:Scriptleft | Waldorf It's like some kind of torture
Template:Scriptleft | Waldorf and Statler To have to watch the show!
Template:Scriptleft | The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Template:Scriptleft | Fozzie Thank you, thank you, and thank you. Boy, did I go to a bad seafood place last night. The catch of the day was salmonella. Wocka wocka!
Template:Scriptleft | The curtain closes.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit To introduce our guest star, That's what I'm here to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you — Mr. Jack Black
Template:Scriptleft | Jack is surrounded by Pops, Old Tom, Gramps, Bunny, and The Barbershop Cactus Quartet.
Template:Scriptleft | Boys and Girls And now let's get things started!
Template:Scriptleft | Hobo Joe Why don't you get things started?
Template:Scriptleft | Statler I always dreamed we'd be back here.
Template:Scriptleft | Waldrof Dreams? Those were nightmares!
Template:Scriptleft | "They chuckle."
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit It's time to get things started
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit and the Muppets On the most sensational, inspirational, Celebrational, Muppetational...This is what we call "The Muppet Show!"
Template:Scriptleft | Gonzo's trumpet making the Tarzan yell.

Opening number

Template:Scriptleft | Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Hi ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we hope you're as glad to see us as we are to see us, among other people. Uh, uh, anyhow, tonight we got a real treat for you because our very special guest stars are that world famous, Jack Black. Uh, uh, but first the Great Gonzo will perform being shout out of a cannon? Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit leads out as the curtains open to a fanfare. Gonzo inside a cannon. Crazy Harry assisted him while carried a plunger box.
Template:Scriptleft | Gonzo Eh...good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I The Great Gonzo with a help of my assisted Crazy Harry. I will be shooting myself out of a cannon. I'll probably be blowing myself up?
Template:Scriptleft | Crazy Harry Did somebody say "blowing up"?
Template:Scriptleft | Gonzo No!
Template:Scriptleft | BOOM! Harry's explosion causing Gonzo be blow out from the cannon, into the air and exit out the theatre.
Template:Scriptleft | Waldorf (laughing) Hey, Gonzo should quit while he's ahead.
Template:Scriptleft | Statler Huh, Gonzo should quit while he's alive.
Template:Scriptleft | They chuckle.


Template:Scriptleft | Crazy Harry go backstage.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Oh, good grief.
Template:Scriptleft | Walter (entering) Kermit? Kermit! Kermit!
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Yeah, Walter?
Template:Scriptleft | Walter Say, listen, can I do a song on the show tonight?
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Why?
Template:Scriptleft | Walter (pulls him the wings) Uh, Kermit, could I talk to you for a second? See, my brother Gary and Mary is in the audience.
Template:Scriptleft | Fozzie Gary and Mary waves from the audience.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Gee that wonderful.
Template:Scriptleft | Walter Yeah, but I'm still nervous.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit There nothing to be nervous about.
Template:Scriptleft | Walter Really?
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Oh sure. It's just your one shot to go on live TV before millions of people to prove you have what it takes to become one of the Muppets.
Template:Scriptleft | Walter runs out, panicking.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit What it something I say?

"School of Rock"

Template:Scriptleft | Main stage. Kermit enters.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jack Black! YAAAAYY!
Template:Scriptleft | Jack performs "School of Rock" with the Electric Mayhem.
Template:Scriptleft | Applause.


Template:Scriptleft | Downstairs stage room door, Walter is sitting on trunk and feelings sad.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit (entering) What are you doing down here?
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit You shouldn't be down here.
Template:Scriptleft | Walter Kermit, you know, you've been so nice to me, but I have to face the facts.
Template:Scriptleft | Walter What if people laugh at me?
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Look, Walter, you're my friend, and Gary always gonna love you, but you belong here, with us guys. Hey, listen, Walter, you're the one who brought the Muppets back together again. You always believe in other people, but that's easy. Sooner or later, you gotta believe in yourself, too, because that's what growing up is. It's becoming who you want to be. You have to try. Please, Walter. You're my hero.
Template:Scriptleft | Walter I can't. I... I'd rather stay here.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Walter the only person you're going to meet down here are rats.
Template:Scriptleft | Rizzo and the other rats pass them.
Template:Scriptleft | Rizzo Do you mind?
Template:Scriptleft | Yolanda Yeah!

"Mahna Mahna"

Template:Scriptleft | Mahna Mahna and the Snowths perform the classic variety show number, "Mahna Mahna."
Template:Scriptleft | As the song draws to a close, Mahna Mahna dances his way backstage and out of the Muppet Theater. Soon after he has disappeared, the phone rings.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Hello? OK. Just a second.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit It's for you.
Template:Scriptleft | Mahna Mahna (on other end) Mahna mana!
Template:Scriptleft | Applause.

Talk spot

Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Hey, Jack, I really thank you for coming on this show tonight and so do all the Muppets.
Template:Scriptleft | Jack Well, thank you, Kermit.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Hey, can I ask you a question?
Template:Scriptleft | Jack Of course.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit In Nacho Libre, Well, how do all the stunts?
Template:Scriptleft | Jack Well, Kermit, it takes tremendous concentration, years of physical and emotional training and enormous mental exertion. Do you understand?
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Un, no.
Template:Scriptleft | Jack Ok well I show you then.
Template:Scriptleft | He grab Kermit's arm, places them under Kermit's armpit, and hold at Kermit's neck.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit What are you doing?
Template:Scriptleft | Jack This is the classic full nelson.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit I see.
Template:Scriptleft | Jack And the most important of wrestling is the take down.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit The take down?
Template:Scriptleft | Jack let go Kermit's arm, exits to creates some space, then runs out and jumps through the air lands on Kermit. Jack rise up.
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy (entering) What did you do to my frog?
Template:Scriptleft | Jack Well I?
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy I'll show you. Hiyah!
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy karate-chops Jack Black, who falls over backwards.

Pigs in Space

Template:Scriptleft | Announcer And now, another controversial episode of PIGS… IN… SPACE! Starring the voracious Captain Link Hogthrob … the gluttonous First Mate Miss Piggy … and the assyrians Dr. Julius Strangepork. Tonight's episode Guess Who's Coming To Dinner. Due the sudden illness of its the voracious Captain Link. The entire crew of Swinetrek is in distress.
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork What are you doing you vile creature?
Template:Scriptleft | Squid None of you business! By! [exits.]
Template:Scriptleft | Link DOCTOR!
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork Oh Linky your a life.
Template:Scriptleft | Link Oh I feel terrible!
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy Oh stop being such a baby so you out with someone hate some bad eggs then a multi-armed weirdo glue itself to your face for a few hours I had worse days!
Template:Scriptleft | Link Yeah like you didn't want to.
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy I was stranded on an asteroid with only one air supply we had to buddy breed!
Template:Scriptleft | Link You have your lips all over my face you hussy!
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy I didn't hear you complaining!
Template:Scriptleft | Link Well how can I complain you wouldn't share the oxygen!
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork Peek out of you two!
Template:Scriptleft | Link Oh I don't feel so good my stomach feels like it's going to explode.
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork That a bad sign.
Template:Scriptleft | Link Oh my stomach looks like it's going to explode. [Link's chest start moving.]
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork And that's a worst sigh.
Template:Scriptleft | Link Oh you known I always wanted rippling avs but this is ridiculous.
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy Should I get a umbrella?
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe the King Prawn bursts out from Link's chest.
Template:Scriptleft | Link Well that new.
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe Aye-yai-yai that was disgusting alright. I don't know who you are buddy. But your stomach is a dump. Huh you eat like a pig... (look toward Link) Oh you are a pig.
Template:Scriptleft | Link What are doing my stomach?
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe Aye I have no idea I looked ovary and ovary and there is no room.
Template:Scriptleft | They all chuckle.
Template:Scriptleft | Link Well who are you?
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe Oh I'm a alien baby that was born in your tummy alright.
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy Should I throw a shower are a boy or a girl?
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe Eh I'm flexible.
Template:Scriptleft | Link An alien a trying to sneak aboard our ship unnoticed that takes guts.
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe I know I'm waiting there.
Template:Scriptleft | They all chuckle.
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork Okay listen up b do you have the appropriate documentation?
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe Eh what documentaries I'm a baby give me kisses.
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork According to the rules of intergalactic immigration this little fella is now a foreign member of our crew with all the benefit and duties.
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe He say duty.
Template:Scriptleft | Link I'm a daddy welcome aboard son.
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy Hello jr.
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork Now is a full member of the crew you will be expected to pay monthly dues for Expendables and laundry.
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe Wha... but I don't have any monies
Template:Scriptleft | They starting exclaims to Pepe for the way get money .
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe I want to go back into the disgusting tummy.
Template:Scriptleft | Announcer Tune in again next time when you hear the alien baby say.
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe Oh by a way I found your car key.
Template:Scriptleft | Link Oh good.
Template:Scriptleft | Announcer On the next gory gut-busting episode of PIGS… IN… SPACE!

UK Spot

Template:Scriptleft | File:LonelyAtTop1.jpg
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo the gorilla hangs from the Empire State Building, singing "It's Lonely at the Top" The little people inside the building join him.
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo

I've been around the world,
Had my pick of any girl.
You'd think I'd be happy, but I'm not.

Template:Scriptleft | Little people Doot doo-doo, doo doo doo doo.
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo Ev'rybody knows my name.
Template:Scriptleft | Little people Who's that? (I dunno, J. Fred Muggs?)
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo But it's just a crazy game.
Template:Scriptleft | Little people What's goin' on up there?
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo Oh, it's lonely at the top.
Template:Scriptleft | Little people

Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo.
Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo.

Template:Scriptleft | Quongo Listen to the band, they're playing just for me.
Template:Scriptleft | The little people play a brass solo on their tiny horns.
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo Listen to the people, praying just for me.
Template:Scriptleft | Little people (groaning) Ohh! Please get that monkey off my roof.
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo

All the applause, all the parades,
And all the money I have made…

Template:Scriptleft | Little people Can you spare a dime?
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo Oh, it's lonely at the top.
Template:Scriptleft | Little people Doot doo-doo, doo doo doo doo.
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo Listen, all you fools out there —
Template:Scriptleft | Little people Oh yeah? What?
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo Go on and love me! I don't care!
Template:Scriptleft | Little people (groaning)
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo Oh, it's lonely at the top.
Template:Scriptleft | Little people Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo.
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo Oh, it's lonely at the to—AAAAAAHHHH… (falls over)
Template:Scriptleft | Applause.

"The Whistling Caruso"

Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Oh, Walter!
Template:Scriptleft | Walter Yeah.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Last chance Walter are you ready?
Template:Scriptleft | Walter Yes I want to it.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Oh good. [Kermit eventually walks onstage.]
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit enters onstage.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit And now folks, I am proud to present a brand-new act to the show. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing Walter!
Template:Scriptleft | Walter performs "The Whistling Caruso"

Veterinarian's Hospitals

Template:Scriptleft | Announcer And now, it time once again for, "Veterinarian's Hospital", the continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Well, it — it's been such a great show, that we can hardly bring ourselves to end it. And we all know who we have to thank for that.
Template:Scriptleft | "Treisa Gary lies on the operating table."
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf Me! [immediately pops up]
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa Oh my god!
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf tapping on Treisa.
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa What you doing?
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf Oh don't worry I won't bite unless you come at me with a rolled-up newspaper.
Template:Scriptleft | Janice walks onstage with a mallet.
Template:Scriptleft | Janice Just here to check your reflexes
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa Oh no not with that thing.
Template:Scriptleft | Janice Reflexes seem fine.
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf Hey nurse that's not the right instruments.
Template:Scriptleft | Janice Well what is the right instruments?
Template:Scriptleft | He displays a tambourine in the other hand.
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf This is the right instruments.
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf play the tambourine and Janice dance along.
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa What happen someone help I need help!
Template:Scriptleft | Miss Piggy walks onstage.
Template:Scriptleft | Miss Piggy I'm sorry I'm late, Dr. Bob. I was with a patient who need mouth to mouth.
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf Yeah go figure.
Template:Scriptleft | He and Janice laugh.
Template:Scriptleft | Miss Piggy (annoyed) Dr. Bob…
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf Oh, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Template:Scriptleft | Miss Piggy Where did we get this patient from?
Template:Scriptleft | Janice Oh, well, she was under heavy sedation. A fifty-pound box of sleeping pills fell on his head.
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa It did not!
Template:Scriptleft | Janice I know, but it's my only joke.
Template:Scriptleft | They all laugh.
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa Ah! That joke's like 50 years old!
Template:Scriptleft | Miss Piggy, Rowlf & Janice (groan)
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf Cue the announcer!
Template:Scriptleft | Announcer And so we come to the end of another "Veterinarian's Hospital." Tune in again next time when you hear Treisa say.
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa Let me outta here! I wanna get outta here!
Template:Scriptleft | Miss Piggy Dr. Bob, I think the patient is delusional.
Template:Scriptleft | Janice Delusional she look real to me.
Template:Scriptleft | They all laugh.

"On the Road Again"

Template:Scriptleft | Main stage. Kermit enters.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Once again, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jack Black! YAAAAYY!
Template:Scriptleft | Jack performs "On the Road Again" with Walter (including Pops, Old Tom, Gramps, Bunny, and The Barbershop Cactus Quartet)


Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Well, that take to the end for another Muppet Show. But, before we go, let us bring out to our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jack Black, yaaaay!
Template:Scriptleft | Applause.
Template:Scriptleft | Jack Thank you Kermit. I have really enjoyed being here.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Oh, thank you.
Template:Scriptleft | Walter Yeah.
Template:Scriptleft | Jack Hey Watler —
Template:Scriptleft | Walter Hmm?
Template:Scriptleft | Jack — did your brother and Mary enjoy the show?
Template:Scriptleft | Walter Oh, I don't know. I haven't even had time to ask them.
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Oh, listen, Walter, why don't you ask them?
Template:Scriptleft | Walter Okay. Ahem. Uh, hey, Gary! How'd you and Mary like the show?
Template:Scriptleft | Gary and Mary "(snores)"
Template:Scriptleft | Walter (facepalms) Oh! Gary, how could you? Oh!
Template:Scriptleft | Jack Black gets carried offstage by Hobo Joe and the Hobos.
Template:Scriptleft | Hobo All hail the Hobo King
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit Oh, no. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
Template:Scriptleft | The credits roll and the theme song plays.
Template:Scriptleft | Statler That was the greatest show ever!
Template:Scriptleft | Waldrof Hey, it was old.
Template:Scriptleft | Both laugh.