Cold open
Scooter Jack Black. Jack Black? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Black! Jack It's great to be here. Even these guys likes me Behemoth, Afghan Hound and Droop are preparing him for the show. Behemoth You sure got nice teeth, Jack Black. Afghan Hound Yeah.The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in. |
Theme
Kermit appears in the show's O. | |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Jack Black! |
Template:Scriptleft | | The curtain opens, and the theme begins. |
Template:Scriptleft | Chorus girls | It's time to play the music, It's time to light the lights, It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight! |
Template:Scriptleft | Male chorus | It's time to put on makeup, It's time to dress up right, It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight! |
Template:Scriptleft | Waldorf | Why do we always come here? |
Template:Scriptleft | Statler | I guess we'll never know. |
Template:Scriptleft | Waldorf | It's like some kind of torture |
Template:Scriptleft | Waldorf and Statler | To have to watch the show! |
Template:Scriptleft | | The curtain opens on Fozzie. |
Template:Scriptleft | Fozzie | Thank you, thank you, and thank you. Boy, did I go to a bad seafood place last night. The catch of the day was salmonella. Wocka wocka! |
Template:Scriptleft | | The curtain closes. |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | To introduce our guest star, That's what I'm here to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you — Mr. Jack Black |
Template:Scriptleft | | Jack is surrounded by Pops, Old Tom, Gramps, Bunny, and The Barbershop Cactus Quartet. |
Template:Scriptleft | Boys and Girls | And now let's get things started! |
Template:Scriptleft | Hobo Joe | Why don't you get things started? |
Template:Scriptleft | Statler | I always dreamed we'd be back here. |
Template:Scriptleft | Waldrof | Dreams? Those were nightmares! |
Template:Scriptleft | | They chuckle. |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | It's time to get things started |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit and the Muppets | On the most sensational, inspirational, Celebrational, Muppetational...This is what we call "The Muppet Show!" |
Template:Scriptleft | | Gonzo's trumpet making the Tarzan yell. |
Opening number
Template:Scriptleft | | Main stage. Kermit enters to applause. |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Hi ho and welcome again to "The Muppet Show." Hey, we hope you're as glad to see us as we are to see us, among other people. Uh, uh, anyhow, tonight we got a real treat for you because our very special guest stars are that world famous, Jack Black. Uh, uh, but first the Great Gonzo will perform being shout out of a cannon? Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo! |
Template:Scriptleft | | Kermit leads out as the curtains open to a fanfare. Gonzo inside a cannon. Crazy Harry assisted him while carried a plunger box. |
Template:Scriptleft | Gonzo | Eh...good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I The Great Gonzo with a help of my assisted Crazy Harry. I will be shooting myself out of a cannon. I'll probaly be blowing myself up? |
Template:Scriptleft | Crazy Harry | Did somebody say "blowing up"? |
Template:Scriptleft | Gonzo | No! |
Template:Scriptleft | Boom | Harry's explosion causing Gonzo be blow out from the cannon, into the air and exit out the theatre. |
Template:Scriptleft | Waldorf | (laughing) Hey, Gonzo should quit while he's ahead. |
Template:Scriptleft | Statler | Huh, Gonzo should quit while he's alive. |
Template:Scriptleft | | They chuckle. |
Backstage
Template:Scriptleft | | Crazy Harry go backstage. |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Oh, good grief. |
Template:Scriptleft | Walter | (entering) Kermit? Kermit! Kermit! |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Yeah, Walter? |
Template:Scriptleft | Walter | Say, listen, can I do a song on the show tonight? |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Why? |
Template:Scriptleft | Walter | (pulls him the wings) Uh, Kermit, could I talk to you for a second? See, my brother Gary and Mary is in the audience. |
Template:Scriptleft | Fozzie | Gary and Mary waves from the audience. |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Gee that wonderful. |
Template:Scriptleft | Walter | Yeah, but I'm still nervous. |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | There nothing to be nervous about. |
Template:Scriptleft | Walter | Really? |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Oh sure. It's just your one shot to go on live TV before millions of people to prove you have what it takes to become one of the Muppets. |
Template:Scriptleft | | Walter runs out, panicking. |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | What it something I say? |
"School of Rock"
Template:Scriptleft | | "Main stage. Kermit enters." |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jack Black! YAAAAYY! |
Template:Scriptleft | | Jack performs "School of Rock" with the Electric Mayhem. |
Template:Scriptleft | | Applause. |
Backstage
Template:Scriptleft | | "Downstairs stage room door, Walter is sitting on trunk and feelings sad." |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | (entering) What are you doing down here? |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | You shouldn't be down here. |
Template:Scriptleft | Walter | Kermit, you know, you've been so nice to me, but I have to face the facts. |
Template:Scriptleft | Walter | What if people laugh at me? |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Look, Walter, you're my friend, and Gary always gonna love you, but you belong here, with us guys. Hey, listen, Walter, you're the one who brought the Muppets back together again. You always believe in other people, but that's easy. Sooner or later, you gotta believe in yourself, too, because that's what growing up is. It's becoming who you want to be. You have to try. Please, Walter. You're my hero. |
Template:Scriptleft | Walter | I can't. I... I'd rather stay here. |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Walter the only person you're going to meet down here are rats. |
Template:Scriptleft | | Rizzo and the other rats pass them. |
Template:Scriptleft | Rizzo | Do you mind? |
Template:Scriptleft | Yolanda | Yeah! |
"Mahna Mahna"
Template:Scriptleft | | Mahna Mahna and the Snowths perform the classic variety show number, "Mahna Mahna." |
Template:Scriptleft | | As the song draws to a close, Mahna Mahna dances his way backstage and out of the Muppet Theater. Soon after he has disappeared, the phone rings. |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Hello? OK. Just a second. |
Template:Scriptleft | | File:Kermit Snowths.jpg |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | It's for you. |
Template:Scriptleft | Mahna Mahna | (on other end) Mahna mana! |
Template:Scriptleft | | Applause. |
Talk spot
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Hey, Jack, I really thank you for coming on this show tonight and so do all the Muppets. |
Template:Scriptleft | Jack | Well, thank you, Kermit. |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Hey, can I ask you a question? |
Template:Scriptleft | Jack | Of course. |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | In Nacho Libre, Well, how do all the stunts? |
Template:Scriptleft | Jack | Well, Kermit, it takes tremendous concentration, years of physical and emotional training and enormous mental exertion. Do you understand? |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Un, no. |
Template:Scriptleft | Jack | Ok well I show you then. |
Template:Scriptleft | | He grab Kermit's arm, places them under Kermit's armpit, and hold at Kermit's neck. |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | What are you doing? |
Template:Scriptleft | Jack | This is the classic full nelson. |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | I see. |
Template:Scriptleft | Jack | And the most important of wrestling is the take down. |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | The take down? |
Template:Scriptleft | | Jack let go Kermit's arm, exits to creates some space, then runs out and jumps through the air lands on Kermit. Jack rise up. |
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy | (entering) What did you do to my frog? |
Template:Scriptleft | Jack | Well I? |
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy | I'll show you. Hiyah! |
Template:Scriptleft | | Piggy karate-chops Jack Black, who falls over backwards |
Pigs in Space
Template:Scriptleft | Announcer | And now, another controversial episode of PIGS… IN… SPACE! Starring the voracious Captain Link Hogthrob … the gluttonous First Mate Miss Piggy … and the assyrians Dr. Julius Strangepork. Tonight's episode Guess Who's Coming To Dinner. Due the sudden illness of its the voracious Captain Link. The entire crew of Swinetrek is in distress. |
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork | What are you doing you vile creature? |
Template:Scriptleft | Squid | None of you business! By! "[exits.]" |
Template:Scriptleft | Link | DOCTOR! |
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork | Oh Linky your a life. |
Template:Scriptleft | Link | Oh I feel terrible! |
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy | Oh stop being such a baby so you out with someone hate some bad eggs then a multi-armed weirdo glue itself to your face for a few hours I had worse days! |
Template:Scriptleft | Link | Yeah like you didn't want to. |
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy | I was stranded on an asteroid with only one air supply we had to buddy breed! |
Template:Scriptleft | Link | You have your lips all over my face you hussy! |
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy | I didn't hear you complaining! |
Template:Scriptleft | Link | Well how can I complain you wouldn't share the oxygens! |
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork | Peek out of you two! |
Template:Scriptleft | Link | Oh I don't feel so good my stomach feels like it's going to explode. |
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork | That a bad sign. |
Template:Scriptleft | Link | Oh my stomach looks like it's going to explode. "[Link's chest start moving.]" |
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork | And that's a worst sigh. |
Template:Scriptleft | Link | Oh you known I always wanted rippling avs but this is ridiculous. |
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy | Should I get a umbrella? |
Template:Scriptleft | | Pepe the King Prawn bursts out from Link's chest. |
Template:Scriptleft | Link | Well that new. |
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe | Aye-yai-yai that was disgusting alright. I don't know who you are buddy. But your stomach is a dump. Huh you eat like a pig... "(look toward Link)" Oh you are a pig. |
Template:Scriptleft | Link | What are doing my stomach? |
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe | Aye I have no idea I looked ovary and ovary and there is no room. |
Template:Scriptleft | | "They all chuckle." |
Template:Scriptleft | Link | Well who are you? |
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe | Oh I'm a alien baby that was born in your tummy alright. |
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy | Should I throw a showder are a boy or a girl? |
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe | Eh I'm flexible. |
Template:Scriptleft | Link | An alien a trying to sneak aboard our ship unnoticed that takes guts. |
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe | I know I'm wating there. |
Template:Scriptleft | | "They all chuckle." |
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork | Okay listen up b do you have the appropriate documentation? |
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe | Eh what documentaries I'm a baby give me kisses. |
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork | According to the rules of intergalactic immigration this little fella is now a foreign member of our crew with all the benefit and duties. |
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe | He say duty. |
Template:Scriptleft | Link | I'm a daddy welcome aboard son. |
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy | Hello jr. |
Template:Scriptleft | Strangepork | Now is a full member of the crew you will be expected to pay monthly dues for Expendables and laundry. |
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe | Wha... but I don't have any monies |
Template:Scriptleft | | "They starting exclaims to Pepe for the way get money ." |
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe | I want to go back into the disgusting tummy. |
Template:Scriptleft | Announcer | Tune in again next time when you hear the alien baby say. |
Template:Scriptleft | Pepe | Oh by a way I found your car key. |
Template:Scriptleft | Link | Oh good. |
Template:Scriptleft | Announcer | On the next gory gut-busting episode of PIGS… IN… SPACE! |
UK Spot
Template:Scriptleft | | File:LonelyAtTop1.jpg |
Template:Scriptleft | | Quongo the gorilla hangs from the Empire State Building, singing "It's Lonely at the Top" The little people inside the building join him. |
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo |
I've been around the world, |
Template:Scriptleft | Little people | Doot doo-doo, doo doo doo doo. |
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo | Ev'rybody knows my name. |
Template:Scriptleft | Little people | Who's that? (I dunno, J. Fred Muggs?) |
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo | But it's just a crazy game. |
Template:Scriptleft | Little people | What's goin' on up there? |
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo | Oh, it's lonely at the top. |
Template:Scriptleft | Little people |
Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo. |
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo | Listen to the band, they're playing just for me. |
Template:Scriptleft | | The little people play a brass solo on their tiny horns. |
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo | Listen to the people, praying just for me. |
Template:Scriptleft | Little people | (groaning) Ohh! Please get that monkey off my roof. |
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo |
All the applause, all the parades, |
Template:Scriptleft | Little people | Can you spare a dime? |
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo | Oh, it's lonely at the top. |
Template:Scriptleft | Little people | Doot doo-doo, doo doo doo doo. |
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo | Listen, all you fools out there — |
Template:Scriptleft | Little people | Oh yeah? What? |
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo | Go on and love me! I don't care! |
Template:Scriptleft | Little people | (groaning) |
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo | Oh, it's lonely at the top. |
Template:Scriptleft | Little people | Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo. |
Template:Scriptleft | Quongo | Oh, it's lonely at the to—AAAAAAHHHH… (falls over) |
Template:Scriptleft | | Applause. |
"The Whistling Caruso"
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Oh, Walter! |
Template:Scriptleft | Walter | Yeah. |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Last chance Walter are you ready? |
Template:Scriptleft | Walter | Yes I want to it. |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Oh good. "[Kermit eventually walks onstage.]" |
Template:Scriptleft | | "Kermit enters onstage." |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | And now folks, I am proud to present a brand-new act to the show. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing Walter! |
Template:Scriptleft | | "Walter performs "The Whistling Caruso"" |
Veterinarian's Hospitals
Template:Scriptleft | Announcer | And now, it time once again for, "Veterinarian's Hospital", the continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs. |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Well, it — it's been such a great show, that we can hardly bring ourselves to end it. And we all know who we have to thank for that. |
Template:Scriptleft | | "Treisa Gary lies on the operating table." |
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf | Me! "[immediately pops up]" |
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa | Oh my god! |
Template:Scriptleft | | "Rowlf tapping on Treisa." |
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa | What you doing? |
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf | Oh don't worry I won't bite unless you come at me with a rolled-up newspaper. |
Template:Scriptleft | | "Janice walks onstage with a mallet." |
Template:Scriptleft | Janice | Just here to check your reflexes |
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa | Oh no not with that thing. |
Template:Scriptleft | Janice | Reflexes seem fine. |
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf | Hey nurse that's not the right instruments. |
Template:Scriptleft | Janice | Well what is the right instruments? |
Template:Scriptleft | | He displays a tambourine in the other hand. |
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf | This is the right instruments. |
Template:Scriptleft | | Rowlf play the tambourine and Janice dance along. |
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa | What happen someone help I need help! |
Template:Scriptleft | | Miss Piggy walks onstage. |
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy | I'm sorry I'm late, Dr. Bob. I was with a patient who need mouth to mouth. |
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf | Yeah go figure. |
Template:Scriptleft | | "He and Janice laugh." |
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy | "(annoyed)" Dr. Bob… |
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf | Oh, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. |
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy | Where did we get this patient from? |
Template:Scriptleft | Janice | Oh, well, she was under heavy sedation. A fifty-pound box of sleeping pills fell on his head. |
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa | It did not! |
Template:Scriptleft | Janice | I know, but it's my only joke. |
Template:Scriptleft | | "They all laugh." |
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa | Ah! That joke's like 50 years old! |
Template:Scriptleft | | Piggy, Rowlf & Janice "(groan)" |
Template:Scriptleft | Rowlf | Cue the announcer! |
Template:Scriptleft | Announcer | And so we come to the end of another "Veterinarian's Hospital." Tune in again next time when you hear Treisa say. |
Template:Scriptleft | Treisa | Let me outta here! I wanna get outta here! |
Template:Scriptleft | Piggy | Dr. Bob, I think the patient is delusional. |
Template:Scriptleft | Janice | Delusional she look real to me. |
Template:Scriptleft | | "They all laugh." |
"On the Road Again"
Template:Scriptleft | | "Main stage. Kermit enters." |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Once again, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jack Black! YAAAAYY! |
Template:Scriptleft | | "Jack performs "On the Road Again" with Walter (including Pops, Old Tom, Gramps, Bunny, and The Barbershop Cactus Quartet)" |
Goodnights
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Well, that take to the end for another Muppet Show. But, before we go, let us bring out to our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jack Black, yaaaay! |
Template:Scriptleft | | Applause. |
Template:Scriptleft | Jack | Thank you Kermit. I have really enjoyed being here. |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Oh, thank you. |
Template:Scriptleft | Walter | Yeah. |
Template:Scriptleft | Jack | Hey Watler — |
Template:Scriptleft | Walter | Hmm? |
Template:Scriptleft | Jack | — did your brother and Mary enjoy the show? |
Template:Scriptleft | Walter | Oh, I don't know. I haven't even had time to ask them. |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Oh, listen, Walter, why don't you ask them? |
Template:Scriptleft | Walter | Okay. Ahem. Uh, hey, Gary! How'd you and Mary like the show? |
Template:Scriptleft | Gary and Mary | "(snores)" |
Template:Scriptleft | Walter | "(facepalms)" Oh! Gary, how could you? Oh! |
Template:Scriptleft | | "Jack Black gets carried offstage by Hobo Joe and the Hobos." |
Template:Scriptleft | Hobo | All hail the Hobo King |
Template:Scriptleft | Kermit | Oh, no. We'll see you next time on "The Muppet Show." |
Template:Scriptleft | | "The credits roll and the theme song plays." |
Template:Scriptleft | Statler | That was the greatest show ever! |
Template:Scriptleft | Waldrof | Hey, it was old. |
Template:Scriptleft | | "Both laugh." |